None Dare Call it
Dare Call Them Redskins," we took a light-hearted look at the
argument put forth by some who would ban team mascots that they deem
Well, like the gift that keeps on giving, the same ilk are turning
their attention to another terribly offensive public manifestation--the
It seems that since Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Pagan, and atheist
Americans aren't Christians, naming our nation's preeminent holiday after
that faith's icon is exclusionary. The argument being made is:
How we celebrate Christmas in our own homes is up to us, but we ought to
change the holiday's name so as to make it more representative of all
After all, Americans of all faiths are equally deluged with the word
"Christmas" this time of year, right?
So let's do it. But let's be sure to include all of our holidays
to be consistent...
Take Valentine's Day for example. The very name represents the
togetherness and love we share with our significant other. But what
about me? I'm so single my head hurts. Some people have no one
with whom to share the deepest meaning of Valentine's Day.
So let's do like they want to do with Christmas. Let lovers
celebrate Valentine's Day any way they choose. But let's
change the public name so as to not constantly remind single people that
they're left out.
How about we call it "Humans' Day?" That way we include
Same with New Year's Day. Chinese New Year certainly isn't on
January first. We can still celebrate it, but let's not confuse
schoolchildren of great heritages that may have a different
calendar. Let's see, what shall we call it?
Well, how about we call it "Humans' Day" too? That
seems pretty safe.
Of course there's Saint Patrick's Day. But I'm not Irish; are
you? Let's change the name so Serbs like me aren't constantly
reminded we're not Irish. Let's see, what shall we call it...
We have room in our hearts for another "Humans' Day,"
right? Hey, we're on a roll.
If this seems a little ridiculous, you need to wake up and realize
you're not very humanistic. What do you have against humans,
anyway? After all, we can still assign to these holidays whatever
personal meaning we wish. But let's not force others to read from
every headline and hear from every broadcast holiday titles that they may
not relate to.
Or, at least, that seems to be the argument of those who would change
the name of "Christmas."
Now, for those who think this whole argument is silly, you're
right. Each of our holidays--from Mother's Day to Memorial Day to
Independence Day--celebrates something, but in so doing doesn't celebrate
everything. The only way around that is to celebrate all things on
each and every holiday. Which is, of course, absurd.
Maybe a good compromise would be the creation of an entirely new
holiday: "Owie My Feelings Might Get Hurt Sometimes
Day." It's a bit cumbersome, but we could call it "Owie
Day" for short.
So let's close with the last stanza of our proposed new, politically correct
version of Major Henry Livingston Jr.'s classic, "'Twas the Night
|"He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a
|And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
|But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of
|'Merry Humans' Day to all, and to all a good