True to Lou Holtz' quote, and consistent with the saying,
"Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while,"
occasionally I'll say something more interesting than banal.
So in the spirit of blind squirrels everywhere, here are a
few quotes I've said on television or radio. Hopefully there's an
acorn or two among them...
"For Halloween, I'm going as LSU's defense --
roller skates, and grass stains on my back." --ESPN, on
LSU giving up 459 rushing yards combined to Florida and Georgia.
"That stadium will be a gurgling cauldron of
seething hate for Nick Saban." --ESPN, on the Alabama
coach's return to LSU.
"At its core, the NFL is just another vehicle to
compete for entertainment dollars. It's not about footballs in end
zones, it's about eyeballs on advertisements. As long as Michael
Vick's innocence is in doubt, he's bad for business." --Hannity
& Colmes on Fox News Channel, on whether Vick should be suspended from
"When you had your knee injury, medical technology
was to apply leaches." --ESPN, to ESPN college football
analyst Mark May, on the improvement in recovery time for ACL knee surgery
in the last twenty years.
"Jared Lorenzen is so big...when he stood next to
the Empire State Building, King Kong climbed him." --ESPN,
on Kentucky's 300 pound former quarterback.
"Bringing back Joe Gibbs is the best hire since
Roosevelt brought in Eisenhower; it might be second to Jesus bringing in
John the Baptist." --Fox television, Washington, DC, on
the Redskins luring their former head coach away from NASCAR to coach the
team after Steve Spurrier resigned.
"Redskins owner Dan Snyder should hire a quality
general manager, sign a bunch of blank checks, and then move to New
Guinea. Don't open a newspaper or turn on a TV; just fish and shear
sheep. When the team is in the Super Bowl, they will send a plane
for him. And he'll still get the glory and a seat in the lead car in
the parade. What Snyder does well, he does exceptionally well.
Combine that with the right GM who has final say over football decisions,
and the combination would be unstoppable." --Fox
television, Washington, DC.
"At this point, the Redskins would be better off
if their head coach were a ham sandwich; a ham sandwich has no personal
agenda, and would at least do no harm." --WMAL radio,
Washington, DC, as the Redskins were spiraling to a 5-11 season under
coach Steve Spurrier.
"They say Steve Spurrier has an ego the size of
Texas, but that's not true; Texas is a small town in Steve Spurrier's
ego." --WMAL radio, Washington, DC, on the Redskins'
head coach in his rookie year.
"In his first year, Steve Spurrier thought that
God might know more than he did, but only about the Old Testament."
--Fox television, Washington, DC. Spurrier became the Redskins'
head coach after a stellar college coaching career at the University of
"I don't know if Kobe is guilty of a crime, but he
is certainly guilty of being an egregious moron for putting himself alone
in a hotel room with a 19-year-old girl." --The Big
Story with John Gibson, Fox News Channel, on sexual assault allegations
against married Lakers star Kobe Bryant. Quote picked up by the LA
Times and New York Post.
"You have to be careful. There are some
brutally ambitious women out there who think that the best way to live
well for the next 18 years is to have Mick Jagger's baby."
--The O'Reilly Factor with Bill O'Reilly, Fox News Channel, on temptations
and dangers faced by star athletes and celebrities.
"Facing the Falcons without Michael Vick is like
facing the Huns without Atilla." --Fox television,
Washington, DC, on the Redskins' game against Atlanta, which quarterback
Vick missed with a broken leg.
It wasn't a love/hate relationship; it was more of a
loathe/hate relationship. --WMAL radio, Washington, DC, on
the relationship between Redskins coach Steve Spurrier and Falcons
quarterback Doug Johnson when they were both at the University of Florida.
"Emmitt Smith is a star for the ages. The
only reason he isn't an ancient Roman emperor is that he isn't an ancient
Roman." --Fox television, Washington, DC, after the 33
year-old Smith rushed for 144 yards in the Cowboys' Thanksgiving Day
victory over the Redskins.
"Tre Johnson is so huge, he looks like he's about
to give birth to New Jersey." --Fox television,
Washington, DC, on the Redskins' Pro-Bowl offensive lineman.
"Cowboys' guard Larry Allen could be four percent
body fat and still look like he swallowed Rosie O'Donnell. That's
his body type; he's an expandomorph." --Said nowhere
yet; I'm afraid he'll hurt me... ;-)
More to come...