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"Broadcasting is easy; you just talk until you think of something to say."

--Lou Holtz

 

 

True to Lou Holtz' quote, and consistent with the saying, "Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while," occasionally I'll say something more interesting than banal.  

So in the spirit of blind squirrels everywhere, here are a few quotes I've said on television or radio.  Hopefully there's an acorn or two among them...

 

"For Halloween, I'm going as LSU's defense -- roller skates, and grass stains on my back."  --ESPN, on LSU giving up 459 rushing yards combined to Florida and Georgia.

"That stadium will be a gurgling cauldron of seething hate for Nick Saban."  --ESPN, on the Alabama coach's return to LSU.

"At its core, the NFL is just another vehicle to compete for entertainment dollars.  It's not about footballs in end zones, it's about eyeballs on advertisements.  As long as Michael Vick's innocence is in doubt, he's bad for business."  --Hannity & Colmes on Fox News Channel, on whether Vick should be suspended from the NFL.

"When you had your knee injury, medical technology was to apply leaches."  --ESPN, to ESPN college football analyst Mark May, on the improvement in recovery time for ACL knee surgery in the last twenty years.

"Jared Lorenzen is so big...when he stood next to the Empire State Building, King Kong climbed him."  --ESPN, on Kentucky's 300 pound former quarterback.

"Bringing back Joe Gibbs is the best hire since Roosevelt brought in Eisenhower; it might be second to Jesus bringing in John the Baptist."  --Fox television, Washington, DC, on the Redskins luring their former head coach away from NASCAR to coach the team after Steve Spurrier resigned.

"Redskins owner Dan Snyder should hire a quality general manager, sign a bunch of blank checks, and then move to New Guinea.  Don't open a newspaper or turn on a TV; just fish and shear sheep.  When the team is in the Super Bowl, they will send a plane for him.  And he'll still get the glory and a seat in the lead car in the parade.  What Snyder does well, he does exceptionally well.  Combine that with the right GM who has final say over football decisions, and the combination would be unstoppable."  --Fox television, Washington, DC.

"At this point, the Redskins would be better off if their head coach were a ham sandwich; a ham sandwich has no personal agenda, and would at least do no harm."  --WMAL radio, Washington, DC, as the Redskins were spiraling to a 5-11 season under coach Steve Spurrier.

"They say Steve Spurrier has an ego the size of Texas, but that's not true; Texas is a small town in Steve Spurrier's ego."  --WMAL radio, Washington, DC, on the Redskins' head coach in his rookie year.

"In his first year, Steve Spurrier thought that God might know more than he did, but only about the Old Testament."  --Fox television, Washington, DC.  Spurrier became the Redskins' head coach after a stellar college coaching career at the University of Florida. 

"I don't know if Kobe is guilty of a crime, but he is certainly guilty of being an egregious moron for putting himself alone in a hotel room with a 19-year-old girl."  --The Big Story with John Gibson, Fox News Channel, on sexual assault allegations against married Lakers star Kobe Bryant.  Quote picked up by the LA Times and New York Post.

"You have to be careful.  There are some brutally ambitious women out there who think that the best way to live well for the next 18 years is to have Mick Jagger's baby."  --The O'Reilly Factor with Bill O'Reilly, Fox News Channel, on temptations and dangers faced by star athletes and celebrities.

"Facing the Falcons without Michael Vick is like facing the Huns without Atilla."  --Fox television, Washington, DC, on the Redskins' game against Atlanta, which quarterback Vick missed with a broken leg.

It wasn't a love/hate relationship; it was more of a loathe/hate relationship.  --WMAL radio, Washington, DC, on the relationship between Redskins coach Steve Spurrier and Falcons quarterback Doug Johnson when they were both at the University of Florida.

"Emmitt Smith is a star for the ages.  The only reason he isn't an ancient Roman emperor is that he isn't an ancient Roman."  --Fox television, Washington, DC, after the 33 year-old Smith rushed for 144 yards in the Cowboys' Thanksgiving Day victory over the Redskins.

"Tre Johnson is so huge, he looks like he's about to give birth to New Jersey."  --Fox television, Washington, DC, on the Redskins' Pro-Bowl offensive lineman.

"Cowboys' guard Larry Allen could be four percent body fat and still look like he swallowed Rosie O'Donnell.  That's his body type; he's an expandomorph."  --Said nowhere yet; I'm afraid he'll hurt me... ;-)

 

 

More to come...

 

 

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